Sirius Learned What Love Was
by Dawl92
Summary: Remus suffers from a horrible mental disorder. Sirius suffers from falling in love with him. I do not own any of these characters.


Sirius sat on the edge of their bed, his hands tangled in his dark hair with a firm grip. His grey eyes shutting out the world, tears trying to make their way out of his closed lids. Slightly shaking, he took deep breathes and ignored the shouts and crashing coming from down the hall.

"Evil!"

"Unnatural!"

"Disgusting!"

"Open this damn door you, fag!"__

Sirius took another breath as he slowly opened his eyes, lifting his head to glance at the door. His checks suddenly felt wet, the tears were dripping down towards his parted lips. Sirius tasted his salty tears without realizing it, the loud banging on his door was far to distracting.

"Sirius fucking Black!"

Sirius closed his eyes, that wasn't his lover.

That wasn't his sweet Remus.

This wasn't the man who kissed him good morning and good night.

This wasn't the man who told him he loved him before they made love.

This wasn't the man who looked at him lovingly everyday.

This wasn't Remus.

"I will fuck you up, Sirius! Open this fucking door!"

The door was starting to move, the hinges threatening to give up and let the door fall open.

"Please, go away…" Sirius whispered, knowing well enough that the man beyond the door couldn't hear him…It didn't matter anyway. "Go away…" Sirius rubbed his eyes, trying to make the tears stop.

"You pathetic piece of shit!" The man yelled, one last bang on the door and he was gone.

Sirius let out a sob, getting up quietly as he went to the joined bathroom, nursing his bruised face. Sirius refused to look in the mirror as he passed it by, only going to sit in the bathtub. He pulled the dark blue curtains over, shielding him out from the rest of the world as he pulled his knees up. Wrapping his thinning arms around his knees, Sirius hid his face, crying freely now as his feelings took over.

The next morning Sirius sat down at the kitchen table, his eyes dark and tired as he watched Remus move back and forth. From the stove to the prep area, the gentle creature known as his lover prepared a glorious breakfast. Sirius cuddled into his robe as he sat quietly, afraid of his lover. It wasn't always like this, just after certain ticks…only after-

"Sunny side up or scrambled, love?" Remus turned, facing Sirius with calm, loving eyes.

"Whatever is easier for you…" Sirius looked down, not able to meet those eyes, his hand slowly touching his discolored skin on his face.  
Remus smiled softly, turning back to the stove as he started to scramble some eggs up.

Sirius looked out the window, it was raining but yet calm. The storm was yet to hit, reminding him of Remus's personality…personalities.

"How was he this morning, Sirius?"

Sirius sat calmly in his best friends' living room, nursing a cup of tea as stared out beyond the girls shoulder.

"I don't know if I can handle this anymore, Lily." Sirius spoke softly, blinking quickly as tears resurfaced.

"Don what exactly, Sirius?" She leaned forward slightly, placing a comforting hand on his shaking shoulder.

Sirius sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Maybe we should…you know have you stay with us for a bit?"

"James." Lily looked up at her husband who held their sleeping child, then back at Sirius with kind eyes. "Sirius?"

"Remus, I love him. I love, Remus." He refused to open his eyes. "I'd do anything for him…But, this…Him. I can't deal with him."

Lily understood her friends' words as he spoke almost in a whisper, she looked at James and sighed softly.

"Remus loves you too, Sirius. He does. And that's the dominant personality. You know that, only one…John. He has a past that's full of horrors and hate…But, he's not your Remus."

Sirius sighed, opening his eyes to see James first. His best friend who looked concerned and worried, almost sympathy crossed his face. Fixing his glasses, James looked down at his son, Harry, before looking then at his beautiful wife, Lily. He would never understand what Sirius was going through, but it seemed he tried to imagine.

"Sirius, when John is around…you know you can come to us."

She didn't know what else to offer Sirius.

What could anyone offer?

Sirius watched as Remus…or Jesse rather, painted passionately across his living room walls. Bright colors clashing against others as he splashed paint around. A happy smiled lit up his face, and Sirius felt his heart flutter happily in his chest. He liked Jesse. Jesse was a happy artist who just loved everything about life and most importantly Sirius.

"It's beautiful, Jesse."

Remus turned, his eyes smiling at Sirius as he placed his placed his brush down and skipped over to Sirius. Getting paint on Sirius as he placed his hands on both sides of his face, Remus kissed Sirius with a smile. Sirius almost laughed, feeling the paint spreading over his smooth skin. Remus pulled back, running a yellow painted finger down Sirius's nose.

"Thank you, Sirius." He laughed and sat on Sirius's lap happily, leaning his head back on his lovers shoulder.

"It really is amazing." Sirius whispered in Remus's ear, wrapping his arms around his thin lover.

"You're being a kiss ass." He laughed at Sirius.

"Really, Jesse…It's always breathtaking."

Sirius never liked saying other names, but knew he had too.

"I love you." Remus smiled.

"I love you, too." _Remus_.

"Please, I…It's dark, I thought you were someone else!" Sirius ran around the couch, trying to avoid the hate filled eyes that he knew didn't belong to Remus.

"Dark? You touched my dick! You pervert!"

It was Remus's voice.

It was Remus's body.

It wasn't Remus.

"I'm being honest!"

"Bloody shirt lifted! Get out!"

Remus, or John, picked up a half full can on pain and threw it.

Sirius ducked his head, listening as the can smashed against the wall behind him.

"Out!"

Sirius quickly ran for the door, already knowing where he was going.

"Sirius?"

Remus, the real Remus called out to Sirius as he walked into James and Lilies guest room. Light flooding the dark room as he spotted the lump in bed. He smiled gently, moving into the room and then closing the door. James and Lily stood in the hall, watching Remus disappear behind the door with sad eyes.

He had no idea.

"Sirius, love?" Remus sat down on the bed, unbuttoning his coat. "You awake?" He rubbed a hand over the sheets where he figured Sirius's back was.

Sirius cuddled deeper into the warm, welcoming sheets, the damp spot below his face causing slight discomfort. The feeling of Remus's large hand on his back made him melt mentally, wanting to get out of bed and ravish him.

"Guess not." The smile was evident in Remus's honey coated voice.

Shoes hit the floor with soft thumps, clothes were folded neatly on the bedside table, and then sheets were pulled back as Remus got into bed. Sirius felt his body being pulled into Remus, a stronger arm was holding him close and warm , wet lips attached to his bare neck. He wanted to turn and kiss him, but didn't.

"I love you, Sirius." Remus whispered before kissing Sirius on the back of his neck again.

After that, Sirius closed his eyes as Remus ran his hands up and down Sirius's back. He melted in the mans hands as he leaned into the soft massaging hands.

"I want to kiss you every hour, every day." Remus smiled, repeating lyrics from their favorite feel good song.

Sirius smiled.

"Remus?"

"Yes, love?" Remus almost laughed, another kiss on his neck.

"I love you." Sirius sobbed, turning into Remus's body. Hugging him close, Sirius didn't want to let go. He didn't want to lose Remus, the REAL Remus.

"Don't leave me, Remus." Sirius sobbed heavily, his arms around Remus's chest.

Remus smiled sadly, holing Sirius close as he rubbed his back.

"I'd never leave you, you know that." Remus whispered.

Sirius knew he didn't understand, he could never understand…

"Mr. Lupin will never comprehend the fact that he has multiple personality disorder. He won't remember anything he does when his personality of, John comes out. It's not the most dominant of his three, but when he shows up I suggest you stay away form him. He is homophobic and highly religious. And based on your information, he usually comes out when you two engage in sexual activity?"

"Correct." Sirius nodded.

"I see…Then I suggest you get away from him. He is dangerous and finds homosexuals repulsive…I know it's hard for you, being his partner. But, to be involved with him…you must be able to deal with John as well as Jesse and Remus. Jesse as you learner is a fun, easy going artist…and he loves you just as Remus does."

"I don't understand how, John can't." Sirius nodded his head in pain.

Remus's therapist sighed, taking off his reading glasses to look at Sirius kindly.

"Mr. Black…John exists because of the trauma Remus experienced as a young child. His father beat him, and gave him to grown men to be raped."  
Sirius closed his eyes, hating to hear about his lovers past.

"Remus was a child who had to unfortunately grown up in a house where his parents were afraid he'd be homosexual…When Remus came home from school with a drawing addressed to him from another male classmate…his father wasn't accepting."

"I…I know, Remus isn't at fault. But, there must be something I can do to get rid of John."

The therapist sadly denied Sirius's suggestion, looking at him with sympathy.

"Mr. Black…Only Remus can. It might be possible to John to appear less frequently…but never fully go away."

"How?"

"Usually when a personality feels it's job is done…they go away for a while. Only appearing to check up now and again."

Sirius took in this new information with a slight nod, then looked at the timer as he clicked.

"I will see Remus now…I'll talk to you soon, Mr. Black."

"Sirius?" Lily dropped Harry's lunch as Sirius walked in unexpectedly.

"Why?" James rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his head start to throb painfully.

"He took the therapist's advice…the wrong way." Lily sighed, sitting down next to James. "He thought letting John beat him senselessly would make John go away…"

"What?" Remus stood up quickly, looking down at James and Lily in disbelief. "Why didn't he come home then! Why did he not tell me!" Remus started to tear up, turning on his heel to leave the startled couple behind him.

"Sirius!" Remus went upstairs quickly, taking two steps at a time. "Sirius?"

"Remus!" James called from down the steps, Lily standing behind him with a sad expression.

"Let him…" Lily sighed, leaving James's side at the sound of Harry throwing a fit.

"Sirius? Why…Why didn't you come home after those men beat you? You shouldn't be afraid to tell me. I would never ignore these bruises and scars as nothing. I would take care of you and kiss you better…" Remus smiled lovingly, running his fingers down Sirius's face as Sirius cried silently. His tears flowing after Remus's fingers.

Sirius lifted his hand to grab onto Remus's, holding his hand close to his face as he cried. Remus felt his heart break, pulling Sirius close to him as he cried into his chest.  
"It's okay, Sirius." Remus whispered, rocking Sirius softly in his lap as if he were a child. "it'll be alright, I'll never let them hurt you again." Rubbing his back softly, Remus kissed the top of his head.

"I love you, Sirius." Remus repeated a couple of times during Sirius's break down.

"Remus?"

"Who?…What the fuck are you doing?"

Remus was gone, John had returned…

"I was…trying to kiss you." Sirius closed his eyes, knowing that would anger John the most.

Remus, taken over by John, looked disgusted as Sirius spoke to him. Quickly and silently, Remus pulled his arm back and then back towards Sirius forcefully.

He had punched Sirius so hard, Sirius had fallen off the bed and onto the bedroom floor. Even on carpet, it hurt, and Sirius refused to run from John…Not this time. He wanted this man gone, gone for as long as he can manage. Maybe, John will feel better when Sirius's blood painted his hands.

"You little fag…" Remus was getting off the bed now, slowly but menacingly walking towards Sirius who was still laying on the floor, holding his face. A bloody nose was all he suffered physically, but mentally, Sirius was losing it.

"Remus…please."

"Is that your boyfriend? Faggot." Remus grabbed Sirius from the back of his neck, hauling his body off the ground without mercy. "Remus." He repeated. "Another fag like you…" Remus snarled threw his teeth as he pushed Sirius towards the closed bedroom door. "Does he do this to you?" Remus whispered harshly, proceeding to pull Sirius's head back by his hair.

Sirius cried out in surprise and pain. He hated the words John said about him and Remus…his real Remus. It made him sick to the stomach as he listened to Remus speak about them as if he had no idea.

"Please…" Sirius whispered to himself, hoping John would leave.

Remus didn't seem to hear him, all he did was haul Sirius back again then opened the door to push him back out again. Sirius fell to his face, his knees hitting the wooden floor painfully, then Remus was behind him as he kicked him down.

"Get up!" Remus yelled, his voice foreign to Sirius, nothing like he ever heard.

Sirius did manage to get up, using the help of the opposite of wall. Remus punched Sirius in the stomach as soon as he turned around, sending the man back to the ground in agony. Sirius's screams of pain seemed to edge John on as he kicked him down.

"On your hands and knees!"

Panic went through Sirius as he feared the worst. He wouldn't rape him…would he? He's homophobic. He's disgusted by it…he wouldn't.

Sirius though correctly, he would never rape him.

Just kick him painfully.

"Dumb whore." Remus sneered, his eyes flickering past Sirius's body, then smirking.

Another blink of an eye and Sirius found himself hitting hard edges of wooden steps, his limbs being tangled together, twisting as he fell painfully towards the ground. After each thump, Sirius tried to tune out the background laughter that erupted above him.

"Fuck." Sirius hissed, tears falling freely, the pain in his leg distracting him from the sound of heavy footsteps coming down the steps.

Sirius felt rather than heard Remus call him names, his voice echoing through Sirius's head painfully. He made a mental note to remember not to fall asleep in the next two hours…that is if Remus didn't knock him out first.

"You disgust me!" Remus yelled, spitting on Sirius after his insult.

"Remus…I know you're in there." Sirius whispered, wincing when Remus pulled him up close towards his angry face. "I know you are…You're not this…" He paused, spitting out a dribble of blood from him mouth, getting a nasty stare from Remus. "I hate you…I love Remus…And I'll deal with you for him…" Sirius coughed, feeling Remus drag him forcefully towards the living room.

Without a word Remus threw Sirius down onto the hard floor in front of the fireplace and started to merciless hit him. Sirius felt numb after a few hits and kicks, his body no longer caring that it was an inch from death. All he did was stare at the unlit fire pit with sad grey eyes…

Remus and him had made love right on that floor only weeks ago.

"You can't let him do that to you, Mr. Black."

Sirius was silent, his arms crossed over his chest. His eye set on the notebook that Remus's therapist held.

"…He won't change because you let him hit you."

No response.

"Alright…If you won't speak, I'll see Remus now."

"Sirius? Do you want to go to a yacht on the river? It'd be lovely to have dinner on the water." Remus turned around from his spot on the laptop as Sirius watched television.

"A yacht?" Sirius looked up, seeing that smiling face.

"Yeah." Remus got up, freezing mid-step as he carried his laptop.

Sirius reached for the phone the next step Remus took…afraid the personality would appear.

"Sorry, I thought I had to burp." Remus laughed, making Sirius let go of the breath he was holding.

"Yeah…so a yacht?" Sirius swallowed his fear as Remus sat close beside him. The laptop now on his lap as he looked over the glorious boat.  
"It does look nice…but, can we afford it?" Sirius looked over at Remus with worried eyes.

In honesty, he wasn't mainly concerned about the money. He was concerned about who Remus would be on their anniversary…Remus or even Jesse would be fine. But, John…that would make an anniversary Sirius would never forget, for sure.

"Sure we can." Remus smiled.

"Well…Can I think about it?" Sirius asked, smiling cutely at Remus.

Remus smiled back, leaning forward to place a peck on Sirius's lips before nodding quickly and taking his laptop back. Remus didn't move from his spot, he sat next to Sirius as he uploaded a movie, convincing Sirius to watch it with him. Sirius shut off the TV and leaned his head on Remus's shoulder as the movie started on the computer screen.

Remus put his arm around Sirius, pulling him closer.

Sirius closed his eyes, ignoring the movie completely as Remus held him close.

Moments like these were why Sirius dealt with John.

John could never fore him away from this.

It's been week's and John didn't return since he beat Sirius.

It's been week's since James and Lily had to let Sirius stay in their guest room.

It's been week's since Remus had to nurse Sirius, thinking he was hurt by stranger.

It's been week's since Sirius cried about John taking over Remus.

It's been week's since Remus's therapist had looked at him with worry laced in his voice.

"Sirius?"

Remus's voice was hushed, quite in the darkness of their bedroom.

Sirius stayed quite, fearful of what would happen if he responded to the hardness digging into his backside.

"Sirius." Remus moaned, attaching his lips to Sirius's neck.

"Please, Remus…I'm tired." Sirius moved away from Remus, feeling the other man place a hand on his bare thigh.

"Oh, but Sirius…I'll do all the work." Remus smirked, kissing his lover's skin.

"Please…not now." Sirius tried again.

"…All you have to do is lie there. I promise I'll make it good for you."

It was silent in the bedroom for about five minutes, the only sounds coming from Remus's lips as he kissed along Sirius's neck, towards his shoulders, and down his back. Sirius couldn't deny Remus when he did this, made him feel so loved and wanted. Remus loved giving Sirius attention, loved making him feel like his lover.

"Let me help you feel good, love." Remus whispered in Sirius's ear hotly. "Let me."

"…alright." Sirius said as he turned to face Remus, a smile remaining on Remus's face.

"Thank you…"

Soft kisses, gentle touches, and tender words made Sirius feel on cloud nine. His mind becoming hazy as he let Remus have his way with him. Remus was slow, passionate, and above all loving with the way he showed his love for Sirius.

"Sirius…are you crying?" Remus whispered, pulling out of Sirius's body slowly, careful not to hurt him. "Sirius, did I hurt you? Why didn't you tell-" Remus shut up when Sirius sobbed, covering his face with his hands when I thought about John. How those hands that had touched him so lovingly had hurt him. That mouth that had kissed him, had shouted at him with harsh words…

"Sirius…" Remus was beyond confused, unaware of his actions as John. He knew he was violent…but never remembered what he did.

"I love you, so much." Sirius sobbed, reaching up at Remus.

Remus laid down next to Sirius, pulling him into his warm body.

Unaware of his slowly breaking boyfriend, Remus closed his eyes.

"I love you more than anything else in this world." Sirius stopped to breath, "And I'll do it for you." Sirius cried, making Remus even more confused.

"…Okay." But, not wanting to upset Sirius further. "But, know, I love you more than anything else in the world too. I'll cross oceans and climb mountains for you." Remus kissed the top of Sirius's head

"I'll do it." Sirius stopped sobbing, his breath evening out.

"Okay, okay…Sleep. Sleep, now." Remus stroked Sirius's dark hair until he felt the man in his arms fall asleep.

Tears silently fell from Remus's eyes, still petting Sirius's head slowly.

"What have I done."

On the day of their anniversary, Sirius sat on a beautiful yacht on the waterfront. Dressed in his best suit as he sat at a private table on the back end of the boat. Remus and himself agreed to meet there to surprise each other. Sirius couldn't feel anymore nervous.

"Right there, ."

Sirius looked up to see Remus holding a single red rose, dressed in a dark brown suit and black tie. His smiled clear, as he walked up to Sirius with a slight blush.

Blushing?

Sirius smiled, getting up to meet Remus half way towards their table.

"For you, Mr. Black." Remus whispered as their lips got closer, almost touching as Sirius took the flower from Remus.

"Thank you, Mr. Lupin." Sirius laughed lightly, looking down at Remus's lips before closing his eyes and connecting their lips.

Remus and Sirius shared a kiss as the yacht started up, moving slowly along the river. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, bringing him closer. The kiss deepened as they held onto each other, losing themselves in something as simple as a kiss.

Pulling away, Remus searched Sirius's eyes before looking back at their table.

"I guess it's worth it's money." He laughed, taking Sirius's hand as they walked back to the table.

The night went on as a normal date night for the couple. Eating their dinners, watching the waters, having a delicious dessert, and talking about how much in love they were.

"I never want this night to end." Sirius whispered as they swayed back and forth on their private deck to a slow song. Remus rested his head on top of Sirius's as they danced slowly, enjoying each other's company. The boat was on it's way back now, the dishes all cleared away and the night getting older.

"Me either…" Remus sighed, closing his eyes.

"Happy anniversary, Remus."

"Happy anniversary, Sirius."

They pulled away from each other, but not letting go, and kissed again.

That night, Sirius promised he'd never leave Remus.

"So, it went alright?" Lily asked with a smile, feeding Harry in his high chair as the toddler clapped happily.

"Oh yes, it was marvelous." Sirius smiled widely, sipping his coffee.

"That's great, Sirius."

Harry laughed loudly, seeing his mother smiling.

"Even Harry agrees!" She laughed, seeing Harry scrunch up his chubby face.

Sirius smiled at the toddler, looking up at the clock over the over. "I guess I should go."

"Alright, give Remus my love." She smiled, letting Sirius kiss her on the check. "Say bye bye to uncle Sirius, Harry."

Harry waved his hand, "Bye! Bye!" He called out happily.

"Bye, Harry." Sirius smiled, kissing the boy on top of his head.

"Sirius?"

Sirius looked up to see Remus with a paintbrush in hand, Jesse was back.

"Home early, Jesse?" Sirius smiled, closing the door.

"Yeah, boss said I should go home." Jesse shrugged his shoulders, painting calmly on a canvas…he never painted calmly.

"So, what are you painting?"

Jesse looked up and smiled almost sadly, "Well, I had a nightmare last night." Jesse bit his lip, picking up his canvas from the bottom before showing Sirius.

Sirius felt his heart drop.

"Oh…Who is that?"

"Me"

Jesse responded looking down, "I'm sorry if you don't like it…But, you know I love to paint from inspiration."

Sirius looked away from the red painting and sat down.

"Sirius…I'll stop and throw it-"

"No, keep it." Sirius waved his hand.

"He painted his past?"

"The rape, George." Sirius looked up at the therapist.

"Oh…did he say it was from his past or just a nightmare?"

"Nightmare."

"Oh…He doesn't know it happened…Only John remembers, Sirius."

Sirius learned what love really was when he met Remus.

Sirius learned what love really was when he met Jesse.

Sirius learned what love really was when he met John.

I love you.

Three words together.

Two vowels.

Two consonants.

One meaning.

Love will always keep Sirius to Remus.

Even when he's Jesse or John.

He promised never to give up.


End file.
